When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dream.
(Psalm 126:1 ESV)
"The privilege you are experiencing as a writer . . . is
something very different: It is the privilege of the lone
individual fortunate enough and
brave enough to follow her dream."
(Eric Maisel, A Writer’s Paris: A Guided Journey for the Creative Soul)
To pursue one's dream without doubt or fear would be very fortunate. And I used to believe it was a possibility. But two messengers of God at the recent dreamer's retreat, spoke the truth in love. Shelly Miller told us that self-doubt is a tool, often posed as a question from God.
And Lisa-Jo Baker asserted that fear is a constant shadow near your dream, which usually looms even larger trying to suffocate the dream just as its pushes its way into reality. Her exact words were something like this:
"There is no cure for fear . . .Fear will come
alongside your dream, but fear does not
disqualify our dreams. Fear is inevitable and
loud, but it's a liar."
Even as I try to absorb these truths, the fear and the self-doubt crowd in. Will I answer their questions? Will I courageously look fear in the eye and call it liar?
It's easy to let every day life obscure my dream, but the more I live the more I believe that the mundane things are crucial to the dreamer's life. This morning I woke up ready to sit with God and contemplate His intentions for my life. And I couldn't sit still. I puttered in the kitchen. I sorted the laundry.
And finally, I put on my running shoes to burn off some nervous energy. Usually I run in silence, but today I scrolled through the music on my phone, and this album by Corrine Bailey Rae caught my eye, so I pushed the play button and started out for the run. I ran my heart out to the refrain of The Blackest Lily (although when I checked the lyrics later, they were totally different than what I heard), so maybe the refrain I heard was really what I needed to hear. I heard, "The cry of my heart, the cry of my heart, I wanted more than I ever knew."
(The actual lyrics are "Color my heart, color my heart, make it restart, make it restart, color my heart, I want it more than I ever knew.")
So often I have lived my life satisfied with crumbs, but today I cried out to God, "I wanted more than I ever knew." I want all of Jesus, not just the flesh and the blood; the bread and the wine. I want His heart, soul and mind, too! I want His freedom, His creativity, His wisdom, His compassion, His forgiveness, His delight in every little thing.
I want to be more and more like Jesus. How about you? Are you struggling with self-doubt or fear? Do you believe God wants to restore your spiritual fortunes? To make you more like Jesus?